Near's Confession
by Xephia
Summary: Near makes a confession to Mello's grave. A confession that he couldn't make while Mello was alive.


**Here is a revised version of the story. I'd like your opinions on it, and i'd like to know which one you think is better and why. A huge thanks to Solaes for beta'ing it.**

"Mello..."

Near sat in front of the tombstone, his knees drawn up to his chest. One hand's fingers gently traced the engraved name, while the others absently curled a lock of white hair. His face showed no expression. Even his eyes were devoid of all emotion.

"Can you hear me Mello?" The graveyard replied with silence. Not even a breeze stirred the surrounding trees.

_I'd like to think that you can hear me, though I will never know. Death is a mystery that neither I, L, nor any living detective can ever solve._

"Would you rather I call you by your real name, now that I know it?"

_Mihael Keehl 1989 - 2010._

"No. I know that you would rather that I call you Mello. As Mihael you were nothing. You achieved nothing. But as Mello you were everything you wanted to be." He drew his eyes from the name. He could never place any name but Mello to the face. A face that he would never forget.

Now that he was here, he didn't know what to say. He even felt a little silly, talking to a name on a stone. A name he didn't even recognize. His cheeks colored, ever so slightly, and he smiled, if only a small smile.

_You were the only one who could ever make me blush._

"There are so many things I want to tell you. But I never really knew how to act around people. How to act around you." Near sighed.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" He asked quietly. "You kicked a ball into London. Knocked down five days of work. And I didn't cry. That confused you. You weren't used to people ignoring you. I think you hated me then. Or at least started watching me." I paused, considered. "I think I might have started watching you too."

"You were the first person I spoke too, back at the Orphanage. You wrote me, on Valentines Day. It was a simple, undecorated card, but I valued it non the less. Of course, it was anonymous. But It didn't take me long to figure out who had sent it.

If receiving a card from you was strange enough, I found you the next morning, alone. You remember Matt don't you?"

_Of course you do. How silly of me._ A faint frown appeared on his otherwise vacant face.

"Seeing you and Matt apart was a rare sight indeed. But I was glad. Because if Matt had been there I would never have approached you and said those fateful words. Those words seemed to mean so much to you Mello."

He stopped twirling his hair, but didn't draw his eyes from the grave.

"Thank You" He whispered them just as he had that day 9 years ago.

_Do you remember those words Mello?_

"And you kissed me." His voice was barely audible, but this was not because he feared people overhearing. He no longer felt strange, talking to Mello's grave. There was no one else in sight anyway.

"It was a gentle kiss. Not at all like you. Soft... and I'll never forget your taste. Like chocolate. You always tasted like chocolate." He could hardly even hear his own voice. "You never asked me how I had figured it out. You didn't say anything for the longest of time, actually." His fingers fiddled with his hair, pulling at it. His heart was beating slightly faster than normal.

"And when you spoke, you were back to your normal self, it seemed. You were angry. I never could understand why you were always so angry. You threatened me. Made me swear not to tell anyone. Especially Matt. And I never did."

_Do you remember?_

The silence stretched, long and tight like a rubber band, until it snapped.

"Mello!" His voice sounded loud and uncontrolled. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. What emotion was this? _I don't suit emotion._ Emotion is something wild and uncontrollable, and he liked being in control.

"Why did it have to change anything?" He said slightly less loudly, banging his fist into the ground. Was this anger? He wanted it to stop, and he wanted it to stop now.

His breath shook along with his body. He closed his eyes. _Is this how you felt Mello, all the time?_ He wondered what it was that had made Mello such an angry person, and realized with a sudden shock that never once had he asked him about his past before Wammy's House.

"Forgive me." He drew his hand away from the earth and back to his hair. "Only, that day changed both our lives dramatically. But I only wish you hadn't reacted the way you had. Maybe if you hadn't, things would have been... different."

_Things would have been better._

"Of course, you know what day it is I speak of. It was the day we were allowed to speak with L. We were the only ones who had no questions for him, and because of that, he picked us to succeed him. But you were worried. Only one of us could take on the title 'L'. You knew I was more intelligent. That I would be better suited. You were jealous.

"The words you spoke next, hurt me more than anything else ever has, to this day. You know what they where."

_'Near, you and I are now rivals both seeking the same goal. I will not let anything stop me from being the best. Especially not you.'_

He remembered it word for word.

"And we went our separate ways. I went back to confining myself in the play house. Building walls around me and excluding myself from the rest of the orphanage. I rarely took my eyes from my games, because I was scared that if I did I would look up to see you and Matt. Studying, talking, laughing. You and Matt. You were always together." His voice shook slightly.

"It was just a few weeks before you started taunting me again. If you got a higher score in an exam, you'd gloat. When you saw me in the playroom, you didn't hesitate to destroy my games. On the outside I responded no different to how I had years previously, back when we first met."

_Do you... do you remember?_

He could feel something building in my chest, and he was suddenly scared to let it out. Another emotion? It tore through his body, and he could feel tears burning at his eyes.

"Ever since the day we met L I wanted to tell you Mello, I wanted to because I thought it'd make things better again. I wanted to because I thought I'd go mad keeping it inside. I should have told you back when we were together, one of those nights that we lay together under the stars, hand in hand. But I didn't. I wish I had, I really wish I had."

_I hope you remember those nights._

The tears broke through his eyes before he could stop them, and he stood up abruptly. From his white suit pocket he took a bar of chocolate, wrapped in tinfoil.

"I wanted to say, Mello" He whispered, placing the bar of chocolate at his feet. "That I love you."


End file.
